Moving through the conversation (LO3 Part 2)
Having the conversation
Conversations are winding paths and can take time. It is okay if you don’t get to an outcome right away or need to speak more than once (even many times).
Remember that everyone is leading the rest of their life outside this conversation and a lot of other things might be going on. They might have family members ill, be worried about their job, struggling with mental health, or simply not have the capacity (yet) to engage in the conversation in a constructive way. Everyone has difficult days; try not to take it personally.
Listening skills
Communication is as much about listening as speaking.
Strategies for effective listening:
- Focus on the other person
- Listen for the essence of the message
- Ask clarifying questions
- Seek to understand, paraphrase, acknowledge the problem and other person’s point of view (you don’t have to agree with it)
- Look for non-verbal cues
- Be empathetic
- Create an appropriate environment
Learning activity: Go out and practice (mini homework)
Describe 3 different traditions and neurodiverse ways (e.g., clear/nuance and abrupt/confusing) about listening and communication that are different from your own methods. Consider how these may affect a conversation, and how you could adjust your own behavior to accommodate these differences.
Go to your Workbook and write your answers.
Effective listening
Understanding is key to effective communication. Listening is about what’s going on for/with the other person/people, which can be hard if the person is yelling/crying AT you, even if it’s not about you.
Some strategies to improve your comprehension during an important discussion:
- Take notes
- Repeat what you heard back to your counterpart
- Ask questions
Communication is a two-way process, regardless of who is speaking. If one person does not feel like they are being heard, healthy communication can be jeapordized.
Learning activity: Effective listening
We need to develop a clear understanding of needs in the conversation. Sometimes this means working toward getting to the bottom of a communication. One of the challenges we have when we are in meetings to communicate complex information is the frequent exchange of information.
Let’s illustrate with an example.
Assume the best
At times in conversations, it may seem like the other person is intentionally trying to impede the conversation. Assume that they are doing their best and bringing what they can to the conversation. They may have other things going on or may not have the listening skills or other skills for a smooth conversation. There is still lots you can do to foster a good conversation. However, that doesn’t mean you should continue a conversation indefinitely, accept abusive comments, or not set boundaries.
Communication types
People communicate in different ways. Continually check your understanding of what they’re saying. You can be assertive- clearly and calmly expressing your point of view, without aggression or passiveness. This table describes some characteristics of different communication styles. Do you see yourself in any of these?
| Passive | Assertive | Aggressive |
|---|---|---|
| Your needs don’t matter | Your needs are as important as those of others | Your needs are most important |
| Give in | Compromise / find win-win | Take |
| Not talking (or speaking your mind) or being heard | Talking and listening | Talking over others |
| Allowing yourself to be bullied | Stand up for yourself | Bullying |
| Impacts | ||
| Damages relationships | Enhances relationships | Damages relationships |
| Damages your self-esteem | Builds your self-esteem | Damages the self-esteem of others |
| Loss of respect | Earns respect – people know where you stand | Loss of respect |
Communication strategies
Here are a few strategies to keep in mind as you communicate in the conversation:
- Focus on the issue, not the person.
Try not to take situations personally – express your own needs and opinions in terms of the job at hand. Solve problems rather than attempt to control others. - Be genuine rather than manipulative.
Be yourself, honestly and openly. Be honest with yourself, focus on working well with the people around you, and act with integrity. - Be flexible towards others.
Allow for other points of view and be open to other ways of doing things. - Value yourself and your own experiences.
Be firm about your own rights and needs. Undervaluing yourself encourages others to undervalue you, too. Offer your ideas and expect to be treated well.
- Present yourself as an equal rather than a superior or an inferior.
Even when you are in a position of authority, focus on what you and the other person each have to offer and contribute to the job or issue. - Maintain the self-confidence and self-esteem of others. Try to create an environment where everyone is respected and encouraged to do their best – understand that this may look different for different people.
- Maintain constructive relationships with the people around you
Professional relationships should be respectful but also should help both sides of the relationship grow their skills in a safe environment. - Use affirming responses.
Respond to others in ways that acknowledge their experiences. Thank them for their input. Affirm their right to their feelings, even if you disagree. Ask questions, express positive feeling; and provide positive feedback when you can.
Managing emotions
Sometimes a conversation may not go the way you had hoped, which can be discouraging and confusing. You may feel tense, worked up emotionally, or threatened. You may have a physical response (part of our fight, freeze, or flight response in our sympathetic nervous system), including increased pulse, sweating, faster breathing, and tighter muscles. When that happens, that emotional response makes rational thinking harder and puts the conversation at risk. Here are some things you can do in these situations: *
- Breathe: mindfulness techniques such as focusing on your breathe are easy to access and well within your control
- Say a mantra: a simple phrase like “This will pass” or “This isn’t about me” can help ground you and remind you to keep your emotions as neutral as possible
- Acknowledge and label your feelings: for example you might turn “He is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad into I’m having the thought that my coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger. Labeling like this allows you to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful.”
- Take a break: It’s always okay to take a break and return to the conversation when you (and the other person) are ready.
Source: Harvard Business Review, How to control your emotions during a difficult conversation.
Learning activity: Managing emotions
In your workbook, write down a time when your emotions have surfaced during a difficult conversation. Imagine yourself back in the conversation and practice one of more of the strategies above. Even though the conversation has passed, you can still practice many of the techniques.
Progressing through the conversation to the end
As you progress through the conversation, one way to ultimately get to a solution is to start by exploring options. You might start by writing down all their ideas, then your own, then inventing a few more. By brainstorming without critiquing the options at first and aiming to be as creative as possible, you can build trust and rapport with the other person AND have a better chance at a solution that addresses both your interests.
As you explore the options, stay focused on resolving the issue in a constructive way, and stay flexible—you don’t have be SO flexible that you sacrifice your values and give in to unfair demands. Rather, consider that there are often many ways toward the resolution of an issue.
Do your best to end the conversation with a path forward, keeping in mind that rarely does a single “right” way exist. At this stage, you may want to write down the next steps, who is responsible for each one, and what the anticipated timeline will be.
path forward
Before and during the conversation, remember that it’s okay to set a time in advance, write your ideas down in advance, or pause during the conversation for a few minutes or to return another day.
Other aspects during the conversation
- “Try to start with an honest, positive statement about the other person that conveys respect, even though you may have a serious disagreement.
- Do not debate – either aloud, or silently. The objective is not victory; it’s problem resolution.
- Listen with an open mind. Focus on the problem, not the person. Ask respectful questions, even if they’re hard to answer. What are the real issues?
- Saving face can help move things forward. Admit your errors. Acknowledge the other person’s efforts.
- Manage your own emotions, language and behavior.”
Source: Iowa State University, Ombuds Office Resource Guide, Preparing for a difficult meeting
Learning activity: A (mini) difficult conversation
Have a mini difficult conversation in the next week. The conversation should be something you find a bit difficult to have, but not something that would have severe consequences if it didn’t go well. The intention is to have an opportunity to try out new techniques and be okay with making mistakes or stumbling along the way. You can even let the other person know that you’re practicing a difficult conversation.
Go to your Workbook and write about it:
- Complete the “Preparing for the conversation” template.
- Have the conversation, keeping the lessons from this module in mind.
- After having the (mini) difficult conversation, write about how it went and what you might like to learn more about or change for next time.
- Reflect more on the process:
- What is your personal process for tough conversations?
- What parts of difficult conversations will you work on this week?