Starting the conversation (LO3 Part 1)
Starting the conversation
Sometimes speaking the truth feels like we are being unkind, especially when sharing difficult information or feedback. But in reality, dancing around the truth is unkind.
When we avoid stating the truth—when we are vague or ambiguous under the guise of being kind—it is often because we are trying to lessen the discomfort for ourselves, not for the other person.
Direct, honest, straightforward communication is kind. Sidestepping the truth doesn’t serve a useful purpose for anyone involved.
–Brené Brown, Dare to Lead
As we work through having the conversation, here are the aspects we’ll address: starting with safety, describing the gap or issue, and encouraging conversation.
Instruction: Click on the + to expand.
- Maintain mutual respect (e.g., ask for permission, speak in private)
- Establish mutual purpose (common goals, good intentions)
- Start with the facts: what is visible, not your interpretation
- The gap itself could include your interpretation (My experience, it feels…)
- Don’t use games, mind-reading, or non-verbal cues (e.g., eye-rolling)
- Gather information (see later section on rumble starters)
- Talk tentatively, Encourage conversation
Start with Safety
As we enter a conversation, it’s important that we continuously maintain respect, treating others as we would want to be treated. For example, you could ask for permission to have the conversation or ask the person to speak in private. Early in the conversation, establish mutual purpose, which can include common goals and openly sharing your good intentions.
Source: Some ways to start a conversation – Dare to Lead, Brené Brown
In maintaining safety in a conversation, there are a few different situations that could arise:
Culture and conversations: people from different cultures can engage in conversations in different ways. Some will be very direct where others are more subtle. If one person says “It may be difficult”, they might mean that the proposed approach is untenable; another person might use the same words when describing an exciting challenge. When in doubt, check your understand (ref to active listening strategies).
What can put the conversation at risk?
“You interrupted that person mid-sentence” vs “You’re rude”
Guessing what we’re here to talk about
Eyebrow raising, pointed looks, eye rolling
We often strive to avoid bias in our research, but it’s just as important to avoid bias in our communications. Unconscious bias affects our perceptions, attitudes, behaviours and ability to listen.
- Conformity
- Beauty
- Affinity
- Historical
- Similarity
- Language
- Age
- Gender
- Race
- Social status
Learning activity: Exploring bias
Who would your “go-to” for a computer problem?
Picture #1
Picture #2
Go to your Workbook and write your answers, and then click on the checkbox.
Neurodivergence and conversations
People who are neurodivergent (those with autism, for example) may not want or be able to maintain eye contact in a conversation. They may need to fidget as a regulation strategy. Be mindful of any assumptions you make (e.g., they’re being so rude). Feel free to ask for what you need in a conversation or ask them what they need, respecting their boundaries.
During the conversation, it’s essential to maintain mutual respect. One of the things that can damage that respect is a microaggression, either from you or from the other person(s) involved. A microaggression is an unintentional act of discrimination against a person belonging to a marginalized group. The Micropedia of Microaggressions gives examples of many different types of microaggressions, as well as how to avoid, respond to, and be accountable for them.
Learning activity: Microaggressions
Microaggressions can sometimes be hard to detect if you do not belong to a marginalized group – but it is very noticeable to the victim.
As an exercise, go through some of the sections in the micropedia. Some of the phrases may surprise you, but understanding the deeper meaning behind them will help you to avoid unintentional acts of discrimination in the future.
Look for words that you hear or use in your day-to-day life and learn why it is seen as offensive. What words could you potentially replace that word with in your vocabulary?
Try to practice using these newer, less offensive words in your day-to-day life to normalize their use.
Go to your Workbook and write your answers.
Describe the gap
- Start the conversation with the facts: what is visible, not your interpretation.
- Next, describe the gap or issue, which could include your interpretation (In my experience…, it feels…)
- Keep in mind: don’t use games, mind-reading, or non-verbal cues (e.g., eye rolling).
Starting a conversation can be difficult. Take a look at what Brené Brown says about particularly difficult conversations:
At the heart of daring is a deeply human truth that is rarely acknowledged: Courage and fear are not mutually exclusive. Most of us feel brave and afraid at the exact same time. We feel vulnerable. Sometimes all day long. During those moments, when we’re pulled between our fear and our call to courage, we need shared language, skills, tools, and daily practices that can support us through the rumble.
The word rumble has become more than just a weird West Side Story way to say, “Let’s have a real conversation, even if it’s tough.” It’s become a serious intention-setter and a behavioral cue or reminder.
A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard. More than anything else, when someone says, “Let’s rumble,” it cues me to show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos.
– Brené Brown
Here are a few rumble starters that could be useful.
- The story I make up…
- I’m curious about…
- Tell me more.
- That’s not my experience (instead of “You’re wrong about her, him, them, it, this…”)
- I’m wondering…
- Help me understand…
- Walk me through…
- We’re both dug in. Tell me about your passion around this.
- Tell me why this doesn’t fit/work for you.
- I’m working from these assumptions—what about you?
- What problem are we trying to solve?
For more ideas visit: Iowa State University, Ombuds Office Resource Guide, Try saying it this way
Learning activity: Practice the start of a conversation
Using the following case or one of your own to practice the start of a difficult conversation.
Go to the Planning Template and write down what you would say to get started.
A supervisor is constantly giving more work than I can manage. If I express my concern out loud, I’m treated like I can’t get the job done.
Start with safety — Describe the gap — Gather information
Gather information
Which of the conversation phrases feel natural to the way you lean into tough conversations?
Do you have any good curiosity cues or starters that you’ve found effective in tough conversations?
“Help me understand…” [continue with one of the following:]
- “if I’m missing something/what I’m missing.”
- “what actions of mine had a [good/bad] impact on you [or on this situation].”
- “what I did that led to your reaction.”
- “why you believe this is my fault/problem.”
- “if you think there are things I need to do to help improve this situation.”
- “what information you might have that I’m not aware of.”
- “where our viewpoints on this issue have gone in different directions.”
- “how we can get back on the same page.”
- “Tell me more about why this is important to you.”
- “Do you see a way forward that would meet both of our needs: both [X] and [Y]?”
- “What do you think about this idea?”
- “Do you think it might help if we found someone who could help facilitate our efforts to resolve this?”
- “Would it help if we both took a little time to reconsider the situation, and then met again later on to discuss it?”
- “I would like to keep exploring this situation … [continue with one of the following:]
- “it feels like maybe we should take a break so we can each process all this information”
- “do you have time now, or would it be better if we continued this at another time?”
- “Thanks for meeting with me about this. I’m glad we were able to work this out together. Let’s follow-up with each other in [two weeks/thirty days/six months] to make sure we’re still on track with this issue.”